How Were You Loved As A Child?

The way we were loved as children deeply influences how we seek and express love as adults. Those early experiences become the blueprint for our adult relationships, often shaping our needs in ways we might not fully understand until we take a closer look.

Growing up as the child of hardworking immigrants, love was shown through actions. My parents made sure we had three homemade meals on the table every day, which was a big deal for them since they often went without in their own childhoods. They pushed me to face my fears because they believed I could achieve great things. They were strict but taught me the value of boundaries, the importance of integrity, and the power of delayed gratification. When they asked, "How are you?" they genuinely meant it.

Was my childhood perfect? No, no one's is. Our lives were simple, structured, and strict—but I never doubted that I was loved. If you asked "little me" what I would have wanted more of, I'd have said more hugs, more time to play, and more moments to be with my parents outside of our tight schedule since they were often away working long hours. Even with some gaps, I look back and feel incredibly blessed by the love that I received from my family and the mentors and friends who were in our lives.

Not being able to see my parents as often as I would have liked, I now deeply value quality time with people I care about. Not having had enough emotional outlets or opportunities to express my feelings, I now value genuine words of appreciation and clear verbal communication. Wishing for more hugs in my childhood, I enjoy the physical closeness (a caress, a hug, a pat on the shoulder) of loved ones which include pets and nature.

What about you?

How Childhood Love Shapes Adult Relationships

Understanding how we were loved as children helps us see why we seek or avoid certain types of love as adults. If you didn’t get much physical affection, you might crave it now—or you might find it uncomfortable. If verbal encouragement was scarce, you might find yourself drawn to partners who verbally express appreciation well, or struggle with expressing your own emotions.

This also plays out in friendships, family dynamics, and even at work. For instance, someone who didn’t receive much verbal affirmation as a child might downplay compliments or feel uneasy when praised since it is so unfamiliar, and they don't know how to handle praise when received.

Throughout my life, I saw patterns of how people received and gave love. If there was a mismatch, these wonderful people would often start growing apart.

The Five Love Languages: A Tool for Understanding

Dr. Gary Chapman’s "Five Love Languages" offers a simple yet powerful framework to understand how these childhood experiences influence our adult lives. The five languages—Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch—represent different ways people express and prefer to receive love.

• Words of Affirmation: If you grew up with lots of praise, you might value kind words now.
• Acts of Service: If your parents showed love by doing things for you, you might feel most loved when someone helps you out.
• Receiving Gifts: If thoughtful gifts were a big part of your childhood, you might see them as a key expression of love.
• Quality Time: If your family prioritized togetherness, you might crave uninterrupted time with loved ones.
• Physical Touch: If hugs and physical closeness were central, you might need physical touch to feel connected.

Understanding your love language and its roots in your childhood can help you communicate your needs more effectively, leading to stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

Insights from Dr. Gabor Maté and Research

Dr. Gabor Maté, a leading voice in trauma and emotional health, explains that unmet childhood needs can drive us to seek out relationships that fulfill those voids. This can sometimes lead to repeating patterns from our past or creating relationships where the dynamic mirrors our early experiences. Research supports this idea, showing that our attachment style and emotional needs are deeply influenced by our childhood experiences.

A Path to Understanding and Growth

Recognizing how your past influences your present is empowering. It lets you address old patterns and make conscious choices in your relationships. Therapy, self-reflection, and open communication can help you heal and connect with others in healthier ways.

What about you? How did you receive love as a child, and how do you most prefer to express and receive love now?

Consider the important people in your life and ask them the same questions. It may lead to some laughs and new ideas about how you can appreciate and show up for each other in even more meaningful ways.

Another way to open up that conversation is to play a game of the five love languages (after you've done the quiz). I was in Estonia recently and met Daryl Seager. He had created a card deck that gives a list of ideas for each of the five love languages. Daryl kindly gifted my boyfriend and I a deck. It's filled with fun, insightful, and easy-to-do things that speak to the specific love language of your loved ones. You can find out more about them here: https://thelittlethings.me/

Happy loving and appreciating!

Hi, I'm Yvette, a holistic health consultant, speaker, and author who empowers individuals to overcome mystery ailments and live their vision. I guide people to fall in love with themselves and their life. Embrace vibrant health, and elevate your life and your organization's success.

Start your path to wellness today by booking a 1:1 complimentary discovery call. https://lnkd.in/gBJHrMA3

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